Kraken Oasis 1: The Krakening
Party composition:
Me - Chaotic Neutral Angelic Werebear (don't ask)
Stefan - True Netural Human Ranger
Lee - Lawful Neutral Human Fighter
Game begin
We are in a desert. And I don't mean no Voight-Kampff Test shit, we wake up in the middle of the goddamn desert. Our characters don't know each other, but we kind of make out a town off in the distance way beyond yonder. I pick up Stefan, spread my angel wings, and fly over so we can get a look. Just a wall, I see crappily constructed buildings over it. There are gates, which begin to open. Deciding to set Stefan down, he wants to talk to them. Fair enough. Gates fully open, we are greeted by goblins. Lots of goblins.
Stefan tried to make a Persuasion check, Nat 1. I transform into my Werebear mode and start kicking wholesale ass. The goblins retreat back into their city and Stefan chases them in. I revert to human mode as Lee comes walking up to the carnage. Lee and I want in so we can help Stefan.
This time we both attempt Performance checks, we perform Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz. I rolled for 2-D's parts (which I did rather well) and Lee rolled for Del the Funkee Homosapien's parts (which he got crap roll). The goblins were marginally impressed, but denied us entrance so Lee planted his sword in their skulls.
After an uneventful slog into the King Goblin's chambers, we see Stefan fighting a bunch of pest creatures. Lee jumps in, Stefan and I go after the King Goblin. He opens up a spike trap, I simply spread my angel wings and fly out. Stefan takes a spike right up the poop chute, where he writhes in pain for a moment while I knock the King Goblin's shit around.
After K.O.'ing the King Goblin, killing his ENTIRE town, and looting his storages, we decide to investigate the oasis. Lee hunkers down making a shelter while Stefan uses his Ranger sense to do Ranger things, or as best as he could with a Goblin prolapse. I wade directly into the oasis, piss in the water, then dive down to see what's in there. I detect the Kraken, do a 180, and haul ass away.
I break the surface, then wade out of the water and start running. Lee and Stefan ask me what's wrong, to which I just scream and continue to run towards the next closest town. They decide to follow me, I carry Stefan due to his difficulties running. We make it to the town without a hitch and there happens to be a harem going down.
We all make haste into the harem, in a bath house in the back we find mystical Fey fruit, of which we all take a bite. Stefan and I both manage to roll a random polymorph, he turns into an Androsphynx and I turn into an Ochre Jelly. It's clear to see who got the better deal. Lee morphs into a vampire, to which he immediately runs off through the town vampirizing all the women and children only.
Stefan flies towards the Kraken looking for a fight but realizes he speaks Primordial. He attempts to convince the Kraken to work for him which went as well as you thought it would. He found himself 1v1'ing a Kraken until Lee arrived with his army of women and children. He sics them on the Kraken as Stefan attacks from above.
At this exact time, the King Goblin wakes up and heads to the roof of his kingdom where he sees this giant cloud of clusterfuck. He mans the Gnomish cannon and shoots several volleys into the fray.
I eventually mutate back into me, fly over, and pick up the King Goblin. I drop him into the Kraken's gaping maw and he is done for. At this moment, Stefan mutates back into himself while in mid air. Fortunately, he is able to leapfrog off the King Goblin into my arms. I carry him out as Lee's vampires deal the final blow. Stefan takes off towards the nearest town while Lee's vampires gorge themselves on Kraken blood. We then head into that last town.
Stefan arrives first, Lee second, me last. Stefan decides to rally the militia to prevent the vampire legion. Of course, nobody believes his ass so he decides to break into the armory. Lee arrives, does his thing, followed by me. I immediately recognize Lee's work, so I buy out the garlic from all the merchants and sell garlic necklaces to the townsfolk for 100gp a pop. (I told you I'm a Jew.)
Stefan attempts to quell thevampire battalion himself and gets his ass beat. He then goes and tells the authorities who think he did this to himself so they ignore him. He's forced to bribe the corrupt ones to come down with him since nobody else will.
Upon witnessing this cluster fuck, they freak out and get the king involved while Lee sends his legion into a bar to swell his ranks further. I, a neutral party, refuse to take sides instead selling the garlic necklaces for a higher price due to the high demand of the guards for it. (I told you I'm a Jew.) Stefan got a discount on his garlic necklace.
The king arrives, who has his own mystical fey fruit because he received it as a peace offering. Upon seeing this, Stefan turns on him and beats him, grabbing the fruit for himself. I snag 2, run into the tavern and hand one to Lee. We all take a bite, which sends our asses hurtling through different planes of existence.
I wind up on the Elemental Plane of Air, where I build an army of Aarakocra. Lee winds up in Limbo where he aligns himself with the Githzerai, only to vampirize all of them and amass interdimensional legions. Stefan winds up in Hades where he is transformed into a fucking Larva. He eats another fruit which causes him to blink in and out between planes, thus becoming a transdimensional space maggot.
At this point Stefan promptly rage quit so we no longer had a game.
Kraken Oasis 2: Commander Shepalopod
Party composition
Me - Chaotic Neutral Krogan (my character flaw was "is sexually attracted to crystals")
Marc - Lawful Evil Krogan (literally first time playing D&D so he wanted something he knew which was Mass Effect)
Patryk - Commander Shepard (too stoned to play for the most part)
Game begin
Marc and I wake up in a desert next to an Oasis with an almost complete tank. I decide to investigate the nearby caves while Marc climbs into the tank. I come across a cave FILLED with diamond like crystals. Marc discovered insurgents in the tank. Tearing myself away from the harem, I run towards the sounds of Marc's gunfire.
He had it handled, using his AK to mow down the insurgents and a hand grenade to finish the job. The grenade blows inside the oasis though, which disturbs the Kraken inside. I had a B.S. Tank Cannon in my load out, so I crank that thing onto to the tank and Marc floors it. I take pot shots at the Kraken while we drive towards the city a couple miles in the distance.
As we near the town, I decide to shoot a distress flare at them. I roll for it and Nat 1. My flare lights the city on fire. As a direct result, when we pull up the militia is waiting for us guns drawn.
Me: "Now Marc, I have the high Charisma stat and I have a plan. So whatever happens, leave the talking to me."
Marc: "Okay."
Me: I get out of the tank and approach the chief hands up,
DM: Chief says "Why did you set us on fire?"
Me: "Well you see the guy driving the tank? Yeah he forced me to do it all at gunpoint so take that problem up with him."
Marc: "You bastard!"
Me: "Well you never should have trusted me, I'm Chaotic Neutral."
After a long line of bullshit, it ends up with Marc leading a squad of criminals to serve heroically as canon fodder while I am in the town canon with Patryk holding a pistol to my head giving me direct orders to shoot the Kraken. However, they never said I had to kill the Kraken, they only said I had to shoot the Kraken. So I fired one shot, got out and left.
I jack a town jeep, drive out around the Kraken while Marc and the miltia engage it. The Kraken stops and tries to parlay with Marc, unexpectedly.
Kraken: "Why have you attacked me?"
Marc: "I FUCKED YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT!!"
Kraken: "...Which one?"
Marc: "ALL OF THEM."
The resulting fight ends up with Marc and 3 survivors. I pull up behind the Kraken as Marc deals the killing blow, causing it to shit a crystal 30ft long and 10ft high.
Holy mother of god, did those criminals have to make sanity checks witnessing the things I did to that crystal. Marc was at this point way too stoned to continue so we broke it off.
Kraken Oasis 3: Dwarf Wharf
Party Composition
Me - Chaotic Good Forest Gnome Ranger/Arcane Trickster
Max - True Neutral Dwarf Paladin
Ben - High Elf Warlock
Game begin
We wake up in a desert, seeing a huge herd of camels nearby. I domesticate them, Max and I mount them, the elf hovers Zenyatta style. We fight a Black Pudding, an Oni, and a Death Slaad for no reason before arriving at some Treants. They tell us we got a Kraken problem (and by "we" of course they mean us).
We walk off into some dark ass caves, but we're all rocking darkvision so it don't bother us none. We come to a river, Max uses his shield to make an improvised boat, then grabs me and starts paddling with my Gnome. Ben makes an Acrobatics check and lands on Max's shoulders.
DM: "What do you do?"
Me: "I case Light on the underside of the boat to give it a hot magenta underglow."
DM: "Wait, wait wait... You're being used as a paddle and your first response is to put the D&D equivalent of spic neon on the underside of the boat?"
Me: "Yes, definitely."
Me: "Yes, definitely."
Max: "I'm okay with it."
As this tower of clusterfuck sails down the river, we eventually come upon an Aboleth. Max picks my Gnome up and hammer throws me at the Aboleth. I Misty Step back onto his shoulders where he ping pongs be off his shield back at the Aboleth. Eventually, he just collapses the Aboleth on top of me, killing us both.
Max then realizes the docks are made by Duergar, so he quickly establishes that he's in charge and commands a decent business in the wharf area while I roll up another character.
We hit the Kraken with my new Half-Orc Ranger, Max shakes his dick at the Kraken then throws barrels of gunpowder at the Kraken. Ben slings a fireball and blows up the Kraken, but it still lives. I have a magic lamp to which I wish the Kraken has taste buds in its asshole. This promptly neutralizes the Kraken and everyone goes about their merry way.
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