My Top Games of 2017

So we're back at that time again where I recap my top games of 2017 in a list that's entirely subjective and doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Let's get into it, yeah?

Artwork by Bourassa

Game of the Year

NieR: Automata
Developed by: Yoko Taro
Also in association with Platinum Games
Platforms: PC, PS4 (best on PlayStation)

Let me start this by quoting Dunkey: "The best reviews are entirely subjective, but that doesn't mean objectivity gets thrown out the window completely. You must acknowledge your own shortcomings." My big one is that I am super nit picky about combat in games, so if you throw a game at me that's nothing but combat like pretty much any hack and slash game I'm going to go "nah that's boring". But I can at least acknowledge that some hack and slash games are good, even if they aren't my taste. What I truly despise is open world games. With very few exceptions, those games are giant worlds of cardboard full of redundant tasks and constant downtime. They are massive wastes of time, money, and ideas on everybody's part. So when I say that NieR: Automata, and open world hack and slash, has my vote for game of the year it should tell you they did something right.

If you liked Witcher III or any of the Metal Gear Solid games, you'll probably be able to appreciate NieR Automata especially how it uses mechanics as metaphor. Now, this game's story is a really somber one at its core. However, the game isn't just some angsty character stuck in one monotonous tone of constant despair and misery. The main characters in NieR Automata seem like typical JRPG tropes at first but the more you progress throughout the game the more complicated and nuanced you'll find they actually are. Similarly, the more you explore and go against the grain, the more the game will reveal itself. Like eating a fish from a character literally named Jackass (yes that's a real side mission but save before you do it).

Another reason why I'm not the biggest fan of hack and slash is that many hack and slash games there is a certain right way and everything else is wrong. You don't get rewarded unless you kill the enemies a certain way, which usually just winds up being a letter grade at the end. Near A Tomato doesn't have this, you can go about it any way you want. Similarly, there are also JRPG elements but the game doesn't fall into (many) JRPG traps. The strongest JRPG element of the game is that it doesn't have a lot direction and there are a bunch of side quests that will expand on the story. While the lack of direction creates some great moments, there are a few problems it creates as well. The biggest one probably is the fact that it can be difficult to distinguish the profound side missions from the more grindy ones. The side missions you definitely need to play are: Emil's Memories, Anemone's Past, Yorha Betrayers, 11B's Manifesto, Amnesia, and Gathering Keepsakes. (Thank you SuperButterBuns.) The game requires multiple playthroughs to unlock all the endings but also because some side missions can only be completed at a certain point in the main story or as certain characters. For example: the Gathering Keepsakes side mission, that's 9S's time to shine.

Also the game has perhaps the most in-depth soundtrack I've ever seen. I'm not just saying this because I have synethesia, the attention to detail and care put into the soundtrack is superb, I cannot stress that enough. The full 6 hour thing is on YouTube but it's also on vinyl and worth every penny of that $80 price tag. Yes, get the full box set. Do it, play the game, spin the vinyl, let the emotions wash over you.

There are a multitude of tips on the game and in depth looks at lore but I'll save that for the YouTube peeps who can afford the equipment and are better speakers to an audience than I am. Like SuperButterBuns, MrClemps, and ValkyrieAurora. What I will say is that you should probably take a break from playing after you complete each character's arc, which will help break some of the repetitiveness.

Also, those NieR peeps have twitters which are as active as they can be because they're busy people (gotta hustle ya feel?)

SuperButterBuns
MrClemps
ValkyrieAurora

There was also a good review done by Sue Lightning over on her YouTube channel.


Darkest Dungeon
Developed by: Red Hook Studios
Platforms: PC, PS4, Mobile, Mac, Linux

"Wait, didn't this game come out last year?" Why yes it did, however it got re-released on mobile and I've been on a hell of a binge of it lately. It also made my list of top games of 2016 so I wanted to put it up again.

Darkest Dungeon is a very well designed game, there's a lot of thought put into each of the systems and characters in game. The single frame animations and art style are fantastic, but the real selling point is Wayne June. His narration adds such a layer of depth to the game (he also does Lovecraft audiobooks which you can check out by clicking this link here). In the words of TotalBiscuit: "You have the option to turn narration off. Don't ever do this."

The game is very good at breaking monotony, for example: Most of the heroes can be played many different ways. This also helps avoid pitfalls of class based games such as healers getting stuck in a loop of healspam. Stunlocking is also generally avoided in the game (unless you use certain items or wind up getting fucked by RNGesus, the most capricious of deities).

I've had a great deal of fun naming heroes after Twitter people and watching as the quirks and habits unfold. Sometimes it works so well, too...

And while we're talking about art style being a good selling point...


Cuphead
Developed by: Studio MDHR
Platforms: PC, XBox

This one will probably be on many lists, it has been met with glowing praise and been one of the few indie games to top 1,000,000 sales (in spite of some janky bugs in the game such as erasing save data).

While at heart it's meant to be fast and furious, the game is brimming with personality. It's not just some glitzed up boss rush game but a throwback to humor of a dying artstyle. Each of the bosses has their own personality and it's worth going in blind just to see it all for the first time and experience it. In fact, I'm not going to post any screenshots of the gameplay that's how much I want people to see it all firsthand.

Then after you beat it, hand it off to a friend and play a drinking game.

Oh, and if you like that old school aesthetic check out Bendy & the Ink Machine. It ain't perfect by any stretch, but if you like those old time-y cartoons give it a whirl.


Breath of the Wild
If you don't know who Nintendo are then what you doing?
Platforms: Switch, WiiU (best on Switch, obviously)

What's this? Another open world game? I really truly do despise open world. 2017 has been a very good year for games, like holy crap.

While I despise open world, I'm also not the biggest Zelda fan myself. I get why some people like the series but I'm not very wowed by it myself. So like with booty android choking best boy, Breath of the Wild being on this list should tell you a lot about how good this game is. It tells a story in its environments and lets you create all these little moments for yourself. It feels very tangible and like a world you can genuinely get lost in.

I'm not a huge fan of 3D platforming like in most Mario games (which is also why you won't see Super Mario Odyssey on this list). The reason being: The setting is usually just a backdrop for cool mechanics. It loses its charm over time, at least for me. In Breath of the Wild there is an input/output thing to it- it doesn't feel like you are doing things, rather it feels like the environment is reacting with you. There are some touching references to older Zelda installments, but the game doesn't bank on them. The trust this game puts into the audience's intelligence and imagination should be used as an example to video games all across genres. There is a lot of flexibility and creative freedom given to the player, they can do things however they want and it always feels rewarding to do so.

This game has also inspired a wave of fantastic cosplays, my favorite being my boy PlanarShifting for his immaculate Gerudo Girl cosplay. There's a number of great fanart as well and if you know the artists for the pics here let me know and I'll include them.

Oh, and the porn. Oh god the porn for this game is amazing, twink Link is so pretty and ready for an ass pounding.


West of Loathing
Developed by: Asymmetric
Platforms: PC, Mobile, Mac, Linux

You know what I hate about a lot of CRPG games? They've become less and less CRPG and more and more amalgamations of first person shooter, minigame, and all sorts of other "subgenres". Like pretty much anything Bethesda has shit out lately, that's what I mean. West of Loathing is a fantastic return to form for CRPG and full of Blazing Saddles tier outrageous humor.

This game is stupid simple. It's stupid, it's simple, it's stupidly simple, and it's simply stupid. But what it is more than anything is perhaps the most cleverly designed RPG games in recent memory. I'm no stranger to stick figure stuff (Oscar Johansson, Terkoiz, Xiao Xiao, Stick Slayer, you name it) so I initially tried this out for that. What I was expecting was some brief flash game that does its thing without overstaying its welcome. I was surprised to discover how much depth the game actually has.

There's a lot of freedom given in the game because of how barebones simple everything is. This is how you do CRPG, not having the openest open world. You have so many ways to go about achieving things that doesn't boil down to finding the best weapon or walking the preconceived stealth route. To quote the late, great George S. Patton: "Tell people what to do, not how to do it, and let them surprise you." Everything has tangible consequence to it that shapes the game instead of a convoluted kharma system or restricting players to certain arbitrary choices.

Hollow Knight
Developed by: Team Cherry
Platforms: PC, Mac, Linux, Switch

While I'm not the biggest fan of 3D platformers, I do quite enjoy 2D platformers. Boasting diverse enemy types, a gorgeous aesthetic, and amazing lighting and soundtrack it's very easy to get lost basking in the ambiance of Hollow Knight.

There's actually a pretty dark story to everything in this game despite its child-friendly appearance. It's very much one of those fairy tales that adults can enjoy as well, which is a genre I've always been a fan of personally. Some people would describe this as a Metroidvania, which there is indeed a lot of influence from those games in here. I feel that kind of downplays the personality this game has though, it's very much its own thing.

Oh and there are multiple endings. Everything gets resolved in each ending, except there's more and more noble implications despite the immediately sad endings. It definitely sticks true to the "knight" part of the game's name, requiring noble sacrifices to be a hero.

Hob
Developed by: Runic Games
Platforms: PC, PS4

Upon release, this game was unstable and prone to crashing. On top of that, it released just a day before Cuphead which no doubt negatively effected its sales and popularity. However, this is a gorgeous game with a lot to like in it.

For whose of you who don't know, Runic Games are a bunch of ex-Diablo developers who put out those magnificent Torchlight games before deciding to do something entirely different with Hob. So, what exactly is this game about? The premise is that you're tasked with repairing a broken planet. Though, it's one of those games where the more you explain it to someone the more boring it's going to sound. It's best off just jumping in directly because this game starts you off in the deep end.

Hob is a wonderful blend of mechanic and organic, the duality of its gameplay certainly matches up with the aesthetics. It's this eclectic blend of genres that some people compare to Zelda games. There are indeed Zelda like sequences that play it safe and lots of glitches in this game, pointing to the fact that it clearly hasn't been fully completed. I'm including this game on this list because in spite of all that, there are some genuinely fantastic ideas in it. Someone clearly wanted to put a lot of care into this but couldn't because Runic is no more.

Yeah you read that right. Runic Games was shut down shortly after Hob was released. If you've got issues with bugs it's sad to say you might never get a fix. You may have to prowl forums like I did to make the game playable.


Pyre
Developed by: Supergiant Games
Platforms: PC, PS4, Linux, Mac

So, Bastion was a very approachable game. Narrator spells it all out for you, things are super straightforward, combat never gets too complicated. Transistor is the polar opposite of this, it throws you directly into the deep end and leaves you to figure everything out for yourself. The third IP of indie titan Supergiant Games, Pyre, is radically different from its predecessors in many ways.

So, the similarities with Transistor are more apparent in gameplay alone. Much like Transistor there is a steep initial learning curve but a fantastic dance between players and enemies once you do. The similarities stop there. While Transistor and Bastion are more overt games, Pyre is all about subtleties and little details. My favorite one (spoiler free) is that depending on the bard you have with you, the instruments in the soundtrack will change. The original soundtrack still exists in the main menu, but it's the interpretation of whichever bard you have in your group at the time.

Combat in the previous two games was nonstop, straightforward. In Pyre, the combat is much more closer to traditional turn based stuff. Additionally, you don't have real time encounters- you boost your character JRPG style in between battles. The soundtrack is the usual gorgeous tunes you can expect from audio wizard Darren Korb. You can purchase all the Supergiant music right here.

The character design and art direction are instantly recognizable (as you'd come to expect from Supergiant Games by now). The in game lore is actually pretty dang good, too. You need to take your time with this one to really savor it, but well worth it.


Persona 5
Developed by Atlus Games
Platforms: PS3, PS4 (console exclusive)

There are a lot of good Japanese turn based games that never made it big in the West. The .Hack series, for example. (Also there was a new .Hack game that dropped this year, just an FYI.) You also have the more offbeat unique ones like Okage Shadow King. Then you have an established series like that Shin Megami Tensei series. This is one of the more popular JRPGs that never quite made it to mainstream and Persona series wouldn't exist without it. Why bring these up? Persona 5 takes some of the best parts of all of these and gives them its own flair.

Perhaps the most successful JPRG in recent years, this game is not only a huge improvement over previous installments in the series but also a game people who generally dislike anime or JRPGs can enjoy. For those of you with an aversion for the weeb shit, you've probably seen 1 of 2 things about this game. The first being some controversy about it and streaming it/doing YouTube videos of it (summed up here by YouTuber Bitscreed). The second being the game's HUD.

Yeah, that HUD is so instantly recognizable that people cosplayed as it at AX2017 (Anime Expo 2017).

I'm not gonna go into the basics of that game (if you want that check the fresh bun again). What you need to know is that it's turn based combat, focused on stat building, your standard JRPG flavor and that's about where it ends in its similarities to other JRPGs. Among other themes, it has: occult creatures, Jungian psychology, and Catherine Zeta Jones type thief sneaking. It's a giant mish mash of ideas sewn together because each character's subconscious means you're in for a different experience with each one. Think Psychonauts but anime.

The combat itself is lively, not overly complex, and bursting with personality. You have multiple ways to complete your tasks such as summoning domesticated daemons, shooting the shit out of everything (my preferred way, obviously, dispense that lead freedom as necessary), robbing enemies for money and experience, the list goes on. You'll have to play this one again and again and again for 100% (it's like 80 hours altogether) but it doesn't really get old thanks to how many options you have for completing your tasks.

This game's biggest contribution is probably the holy grail of gentle femdom right here

In summary: This is like the Cowboy Bebop of JRPG games in the sense that I can wholeheartedly recommend it to people who hate anime stuff. This has certainly been a good year for turn based games, that's for sure.

Mandagon
Developed by: Blind Sky Studios
Platform: PC, Mac

Whereas NieR: Automata was a very grand, high budget, AAA game with mechanics as metaphor Mandagon is a small, indie, free to play game with mechanics as metaphor.

This is a game seeped in Tibetan mysticism and aesthetic. The gameplay is without much direction- you're wandering around, contemplating on your surroundings and situation similar to how Buddhist monks would when on a pilgrimage. It's a 2D platformer, but not really.

This is a very short game. As in, it took me about 45min to complete. It's very pretty and the use of space is nice, can't say I got bored in the game at any time. Though to be fair, I don't dislike 2D platformers as much as I dislike 3D platformers. I prefer a more immersive environment, which is certainly something Mandagon achieves.

My fetish is this lighting effect games give to natural heat sources that puts a golden tinge on everything

The game is free like I mentioned but if you throw down $2 for it (or £2 or €2 depending on where you live) you will also get the art book and OST for the game. This is probably the smallest, most indie game on the list but I felt like it should be included.


Conclusion

I know some people are going to ask why I didn't include a lot of games on this list everyone was hyped about. I hate a lot of things, what can I say? If I like a thing it's probably good enough that even my perpetually cynical ass can enjoy it.

My Top Albums of 2016

I have synethesia, so when I say I like [this] music then it's worth checking out. Here's the best shit of 2016.

The Madness of Many // Animals as Leaders

It comes as a surprise to nobody that I really like djent and that I really, really like Animals As Leaders (in fact, The Joy of Motion made it into my top albums of 2014 and into my vinyl collection). There really isn't a sensation that can match Tosin Abasi's guitar playing, the music is rich with color and texture.

Fruitless Research // TW Walsh

If you like vibing out to retro-inspired rock like The War on Drugs, then this album is definitely worth a check out. A very feel good album with some surprisingly wise lyrics.

Run the Jewels 3 // Run The Jewels

Thanks to the efforts of Jason DeMarco, political activist Killer Mike and producer turned rapper EL-P joined forces to create one of the most unstoppable rap groups in history. Following a groundbreaking start, Run The Jewels have returned for more political and heartfelt lyrics behind weed induced beats in their self dubbed style "factual rap". Oh, and it's free. As in totally free on their website right here.

Silhouettes of a Sunkken City // Spark Master Tape

I actually found Spark Master Tape through RTJ, he was going to tour their new album with them before he had to drop out unexpectedly. He's been in my regular rotation of rap since then.

Honor Killed the Samurai // Ka

Ka is up there with EL-P in underrated rappers turned producers. This is an entirely digital album if I'm not mistaken. Edit: There are CDs and vinyls on the website here. It boasts lyrics and wordplay on par with OutKast and MF DOOM (one of my favorite lines was "Hood alchemy: turn powder to rocks"). This incorporates the perennial teachings of Miyamoto Musashi into the struggle of inner city urban youth. Also, Ka is a firefighter chief. He's seen a lot, which really reflects in his songs.

We Got It From Here... // ATCQ

This has been a really good year for rap but for ATCQ, it's also been a year of tragedy. They lost their member Phife Dawg, and much like how Pink Floyd used Wish You Were Hear to cope with the loss of Syd Barrett, ATCQ uses this album to purge themselves of their grief.

Atrocity Exhibition // Danny Brown

Danny Brown is a unique artist, from his style to his personality. I actually discovered him initially through EL-P on the sonic 2011 album Cancer 4 Cure, in which Danny Brown had a feature on my favorite track on the album. He has a feature on RTJ3 in homage to this very track, but also put out his own stuff this year. Very politically charged, like a lot of rap is, you definitely should watch the music videos for the album.

The Mountain Will Fall // DJ Shadow

If they fuck with Run The Jewels, I probably like them. RTJ has a feature on this album which is otherwise an instrumental. This is about abstract symbolism which in it of itself sets it apart from other hip hop. This is a style all his own and craft mastered.

Tell Me I'm Pretty // Cage the Elephant

Cage the Elephant are, what I consider, saviors of punk rock with their self titled debut album. It was a breath of new life in a dying genre. As a result, they had some pretty tough standards to follow up on. While I've liked a lot of *songs* they've put out since then, I haven't liked an album as a whole until Tell Me I'm Pretty. It still won't match the spirit the first one had, but nothing they do ever will as the band was in a very different place. This album is more like aged wine, where the maturity really shows.

Professional Sunflow // Sun Araw

Another one of my personal favorites, Sun Araw is up there with Run The Jewels, Explosions in the Sky, and Iron Maiden in my favorite groups (in case you doubted for a second how diverse my music taste is). His albums On Patrol and Belomancie have made it into my vinyl collection, his style is called moombahton. That is, a mix of electronic and reggae for super ambient music. Sun Araw is very experimental, while some of his music is a miss most of it hits the spot.

Kneedelus // Daedelus

A collab album from Daedelus, another experimental artist. I've said my love for Righteous Fists of Harmony album quite a bit and Drown Out made it into my list of top albums for 2013. He cut a solo album called Labyrinths but that one and the previous one, The Light Brigade, I wasn't really feeling. Again, he's an experimental artist and I really like how he tries and isn't afraid of failure.

The Glowing Man // SWANS

A band accompanied by controversy, SWANS is one of the most venerated names in the music industry. Personal life aside, I find their music to be utterly mindblowing. Their last album, To Be Kind, made it into my list of top albums of 2014 (which also has St Vincent doing backing vocals on my favorite track off To Be Kind, check her out as well).

Adore Life // Savages

To quote a certain band: "Punk means thinking for yourself. (Nazi punks, nazi punks, nazi punks FUCK OFF)" French/English band Savages is one of the UK punk bands that rose after Cage The Elephant got their unlikely start there. Following their kick ass debut album, Silence Yourself which also made it to my top albums of 2013, we have Adore Life. Intelligent lyrics behind asskicking riffs, this is one band I'm keeping my eye on a lot.

The Mindsweep // Enter Shikari

And since we're talking about UK punk bands, we have to talk about Enter Shikari. I saw them live when they were touring this album, which was actually my third time seeing them. One of my favorite live acts, I still have my ticket from when I saw them on their Flash Flood of Colour tour. I don't really agree with a lot of the groups politics, but I have greatly enjoyed their music. I also got to chat up Rou Reynolds at the merch table during the Mindsweep tour in Houston. I took peoples' pictures with him in between discussing how we come from different walks of life. Great guy.

<|°_°|> // Caravan Palace

This French band is an eclectic mix of early 1900s swing music and modern day electronic club music. They have an interesting sound, and they also did a kick ass cover of Black Betty. I hope I can catch them live.

D&D Stories: Kraken Oasis Extravaganza

You ever have a template for quick and messy games? Ours is an oasis set in the middle of fuck all nowhere with warring towns on each side. In said oasis, resides a kraken. Every time without fail. Time for a highlights reel!

Kraken Oasis 1: The Krakening

Party composition:

Me - Chaotic Neutral Angelic Werebear (don't ask)
Stefan - True Netural Human Ranger
Lee - Lawful Neutral Human Fighter

Game begin

We are in a desert. And I don't mean no Voight-Kampff Test shit, we wake up in the middle of the goddamn desert. Our characters don't know each other, but we kind of make out a town off in the distance way beyond yonder. I pick up Stefan, spread my angel wings, and fly over so we can get a look. Just a wall, I see crappily constructed buildings over it. There are gates, which begin to open. Deciding to set Stefan down, he wants to talk to them. Fair enough. Gates fully open, we are greeted by goblins. Lots of goblins.

Stefan tried to make a Persuasion check, Nat 1. I transform into my Werebear mode and start kicking wholesale ass. The goblins retreat back into their city and Stefan chases them in. I revert to human mode as Lee comes walking up to the carnage. Lee and I want in so we can help Stefan.

This time we both attempt Performance checks, we perform Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz. I rolled for 2-D's parts (which I did rather well) and Lee rolled for Del the Funkee Homosapien's parts (which he got crap roll). The goblins were marginally impressed, but denied us entrance so Lee planted his sword in their skulls.

After an uneventful slog into the King Goblin's chambers, we see Stefan fighting a bunch of pest creatures. Lee jumps in, Stefan and I go after the King Goblin. He opens up a spike trap, I simply spread my angel wings and fly out. Stefan takes a spike right up the poop chute, where he writhes in pain for a moment while I knock the King Goblin's shit around.

After K.O.'ing the King Goblin, killing his ENTIRE town, and looting his storages, we decide to investigate the oasis. Lee hunkers down making a shelter while Stefan uses his Ranger sense to do Ranger things, or as best as he could with a Goblin prolapse. I wade directly into the oasis, piss in the water, then dive down to see what's in there. I detect the Kraken, do a 180, and haul ass away.

I break the surface, then wade out of the water and start running. Lee and Stefan ask me what's wrong, to which I just scream and continue to run towards the next closest town. They decide to follow me, I carry Stefan due to his difficulties running. We make it to the town without a hitch and there happens to be a harem going down.

We all make haste into the harem, in a bath house in the back we find mystical Fey fruit, of which we all take a bite. Stefan and I both manage to roll a random polymorph, he turns into an Androsphynx and I turn into an Ochre Jelly. It's clear to see who got the better deal. Lee morphs into a vampire, to which he immediately runs off through the town vampirizing all the women and children only.

Stefan flies towards the Kraken looking for a fight but realizes he speaks Primordial. He attempts to convince the Kraken to work for him which went as well as you thought it would. He found himself 1v1'ing a Kraken until Lee arrived with his army of women and children. He sics them on the Kraken as Stefan attacks from above.

At this exact time, the King Goblin wakes up and heads to the roof of his kingdom where he sees this giant cloud of clusterfuck. He mans the Gnomish cannon and shoots several volleys into the fray.

I eventually mutate back into me, fly over, and pick up the King Goblin. I drop him into the Kraken's gaping maw and he is done for. At this moment, Stefan mutates back into himself while in mid air. Fortunately, he is able to leapfrog off the King Goblin into my arms. I carry him out as Lee's vampires deal the final blow. Stefan takes off towards the nearest town while Lee's vampires gorge themselves on Kraken blood. We then head into that last town.

Stefan arrives first, Lee second, me last. Stefan decides to rally the militia to prevent the vampire legion. Of course, nobody believes his ass so he decides to break into the armory. Lee arrives, does his thing, followed by me. I immediately recognize Lee's work, so I buy out the garlic from all the merchants and sell garlic necklaces to the townsfolk for 100gp a pop. (I told you I'm a Jew.)

Stefan attempts to quell thevampire battalion himself and gets his ass beat. He then goes and tells the authorities who think he did this to himself so they ignore him. He's forced to bribe the corrupt ones to come down with him since nobody else will.

Upon witnessing this cluster fuck, they freak out and get the king involved while Lee sends his legion into a bar to swell his ranks further. I, a neutral party, refuse to take sides instead selling the garlic necklaces for a higher price due to the high demand of the guards for it. (I told you I'm a Jew.) Stefan got a discount on his garlic necklace.

The king arrives, who has his own mystical fey fruit because he received it as a peace offering. Upon seeing this, Stefan turns on him and beats him, grabbing the fruit for himself. I snag 2, run into the tavern and hand one to Lee. We all take a bite, which sends our asses hurtling through different planes of existence.

I wind up on the Elemental Plane of Air, where I build an army of Aarakocra. Lee winds up in Limbo where he aligns himself with the Githzerai, only to vampirize all of them and amass interdimensional legions. Stefan winds up in Hades where he is transformed into a fucking Larva. He eats another fruit which causes him to blink in and out between planes, thus becoming a transdimensional space maggot.

At this point Stefan promptly rage quit so we no longer had a game.

Kraken Oasis 2: Commander Shepalopod

Party composition

Me - Chaotic Neutral Krogan (my character flaw was "is sexually attracted to crystals")
Marc - Lawful Evil Krogan (literally first time playing D&D so he wanted something he knew which was Mass Effect)
Patryk - Commander Shepard (too stoned to play for the most part)

Game begin

Marc and I wake up in a desert next to an Oasis with an almost complete tank. I decide to investigate the nearby caves while Marc climbs into the tank. I come across a cave FILLED with diamond like crystals. Marc discovered insurgents in the tank. Tearing myself away from the harem, I run towards the sounds of Marc's gunfire.

He had it handled, using his AK to mow down the insurgents and a hand grenade to finish the job. The grenade blows inside the oasis though, which disturbs the Kraken inside. I had a B.S. Tank Cannon in my load out, so I crank that thing onto to the tank and Marc floors it. I take pot shots at the Kraken while we drive towards the city a couple miles in the distance.

As we near the town, I decide to shoot a distress flare at them. I roll for it and Nat 1. My flare lights the city on fire. As a direct result, when we pull up the militia is waiting for us guns drawn.

Me: "Now Marc, I have the high Charisma stat and I have a plan. So whatever happens, leave the talking to me."
Marc: "Okay."
Me: I get out of the tank and approach the chief hands up,
DM: Chief says "Why did you set us on fire?"
Me: "Well you see the guy driving the tank? Yeah he forced me to do it all at gunpoint so take that problem up with him."
Marc: "You bastard!"
Me: "Well you never should have trusted me, I'm Chaotic Neutral."

After a long line of bullshit, it ends up with Marc leading a squad of criminals to serve heroically as canon fodder while I am in the town canon with Patryk holding a pistol to my head giving me direct orders to shoot the Kraken. However, they never said I had to kill the Kraken, they only said I had to shoot the Kraken. So I fired one shot, got out and left.

I jack a town jeep, drive out around the Kraken while Marc and the miltia engage it. The Kraken stops and tries to parlay with Marc, unexpectedly.

Kraken: "Why have you attacked me?"
Marc: "I FUCKED YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT!!"
Kraken: "...Which one?"
Marc: "ALL OF THEM."

The resulting fight ends up with Marc and 3 survivors. I pull up behind the Kraken as Marc deals the killing blow, causing it to shit a crystal 30ft long and 10ft high.

Holy mother of god, did those criminals have to make sanity checks witnessing the things I did to that crystal. Marc was at this point way too stoned to continue so we broke it off.

Kraken Oasis 3: Dwarf Wharf

Party Composition

Me - Chaotic Good Forest Gnome Ranger/Arcane Trickster

Max - True Neutral Dwarf Paladin

Ben - High Elf Warlock

Game begin

We wake up in a desert, seeing a huge herd of camels nearby. I domesticate them, Max and I mount them, the elf hovers Zenyatta style. We fight a Black Pudding, an Oni, and a Death Slaad for no reason before arriving at some Treants. They tell us we got a Kraken problem (and by "we" of course they mean us).

We walk off into some dark ass caves, but we're all rocking darkvision so it don't bother us none. We come to a river, Max uses his shield to make an improvised boat, then grabs me and starts paddling with my Gnome. Ben makes an Acrobatics check and lands on Max's shoulders.

DM: "What do you do?"

Me: "I case Light on the underside of the boat to give it a hot magenta underglow."

DM: "Wait, wait wait... You're being used as a paddle and your first response is to put the D&D equivalent of spic neon on the underside of the boat?"
Me: "Yes, definitely."

Max: "I'm okay with it."

As this tower of clusterfuck sails down the river, we eventually come upon an Aboleth. Max picks my Gnome up and hammer throws me at the Aboleth. I Misty Step back onto his shoulders where he ping pongs be off his shield back at the Aboleth. Eventually, he just collapses the Aboleth on top of me, killing us both.

Max then realizes the docks are made by Duergar, so he quickly establishes that he's in charge and commands a decent business in the wharf area while I roll up another character.

We hit the Kraken with my new Half-Orc Ranger, Max shakes his dick at the Kraken then throws barrels of gunpowder at the Kraken. Ben slings a fireball and blows up the Kraken, but it still lives. I have a magic lamp to which I wish the Kraken has taste buds in its asshole. This promptly neutralizes the Kraken and everyone goes about their merry way.