Growing Up In An Abusive Household

Note: Before you begin reading, this was an essay assignment from an English class I'm currently taking. I feel like posting this here for those curious. The prompt was "Write about empowerment or disempowerment".

I grew up in an abusive household. This is something I’m very open about. I was abused and neglected as a child, and all the way into my teen years. Growing up, I felt a lot of confusion and frustration. While I thought I was alone, I realized that every child faces confusion and frustration. It doesn’t matter what it is that the child is dealing with; the inability to understand their feelings (and as a direct result, articulate their thoughts) is a lack of power that all children face and need help with. Therefore, it’s not only the child’s problem, but the adult’s problem as well.

Before I go into the subject of childhood anger, I must first explain what reciprocality is. A reciprocal response is putting out what gets put in. This can be applied to many different scenarios, including anger. It’s what happened to me, my family members, and my friends. If a child constantly takes in angry behavior, it’s only a matter of time before a child starts outputting angry behavior. On top of that, it’s often the child reciprocating this behavior that gets punished because they’re the end result, and what people tend to only see. Too many times I’ve seen a punishment blindly carried out with nobody bothering to understand the child and why they might be acting the way they are. The child is unable to understand why they’re the only ones getting punished in this situation, too. This only fuels the confusion the child faces, and, invariably, the frustration and anger they feel. As a result, the whole cycle repeats itself, almost certainly worsening, too. Patience and understanding can save a child. But it’s not just children who feel anger; adults feel it, too.

Anger doesn’t magically go away. If anger is put into a child and never resolved, they will be reciprocating anger all the way into adulthood. For example, my dad had impatient parents who didn’t listen to him. This caused him a lot of grief and anger, and he didn’t get it resolved. So, when he had me, I was often on the receiving end of that misplaced anger. As a result, I myself developed misplaced anger. Anger and silence are a bad combination for anyone, regardless of the situation they’re in. This is why it’s imperative that children get help as soon as possible. Taking the time to understand leaves a profound impact on the child. Even if it seems late, listening to someone makes all the difference. My dad is listening to me now, when I’m 20. While everything that happened between us was from ages 7-14, I’ve been set free from a lot of inner demons. Not only do I have a working relationship with my dad; I have connected emotionally with him, too. I would still be reciprocating anger if he didn’t start trying to understand me. It’s never, and I reiterate: NEVER too late to listen to someone.

Listening is something everyone could use to work on. For example, this essay: Are you simply nodding along as you read it, or are you trying to process the points I’m trying to make? One must understand and apply information when it’s presented to them. I’m not writing this for someone to add to a list of mindless responses. I’m writing this to make a profound impact on parent-children relationships and the upbringing of children. I’m not one to get on a high horse and tell others how they should interpret my writing, but I really hope people take this essay to heart.

Everyone is capable of making an impact, positive or negative, and this is magnified on children. Blindly enforcing rules or punishments get nowhere. One must first question and understand before applying, otherwise, they create a wretched cycle, and if left unresolved, the repercussions are felt years and years down the line.

A Window into Synesthesia

Before I begin, let me clarify that I’m writing this with the assumption that you, the reader, already know what synesthesia is. If you don’t, I implore you to look it up before reading any further (you DO have the internet, so it’s not that difficult to Google it right now). Now that that’s covered, let me first explain what my synesthesia is.

          My synesthesia is a combination of sound-taste, color-auditory, and color-graphemic. In other words, words and sounds give me tastes and color sensations. This happens when I listen to music and read or hear words (especially words with hard vowel sounds). Music gives me more color sensations and words give me more tastes. For example, I find think the word 'sharp' tastes like Palestinian rock candy and is very pyramidal in shape, and the name 'Aaron' is very brown to me and looks like rocks.

          Do I find it intrusive in day-to-day life? Yes and no. Sometimes it’s enjoyable and relaxing when I’m doing something, but mostly it’s irritating and uncomfortable. For example, it’s a royal pain in the ass when trying to hold a conversation because I have to push the sensations to the back of my head while trying focus on the cohesion of the conversation. There is a flip side to this, however: it’s highly enjoyable in private life. For example, when I get home, playing music fuels my creativity when free writing as I the sensations make it very easy to have something to write about and describe.

          To help get an idea of what it’s like for me, I’m going to describe some of the sensations I get from bands. These bands are Crystal Castles, Explosions in the Sky, Mogwai, and Gorillaz. The reason I’m choosing these is because they give me stronger sensations which makes it easier to describe. See, it’s exhausting for me to articulate my synesthesia because of the layers of complexity behind it.

For starters, I’m keeping the image and taste of a sensation in my head for an extended period of time. On top of that, the words I’m articulating are giving me fresh sensations that I have to push away. (It’s one thing to do it when focusing on something entirely different like a conversation. It’s another thing entirely to focus on something similar. Imagine trying to focus on a riff in a song and play it while other songs play in the background.) The last part is less difficult but a challenge nonetheless: Finding right words to concisely articulate what I’m saying. It’s easier to do this as I mature, but still difficult because I’m attempting to convey something the other person often times has a very difficult time understanding. I’m not saying this to make a sob story; I’m saying this to help better understand what it’s like for me as a synesthete. Now, on the bands themselves.

I’ll start with Crystal Castles. I get very linear sensations from this band, along with crackling colors and tastes. My favorite song of theirs is Knights, which gives me rigid, icy blue vertical and horizontal lines that flash and disappear. They don’t flash in a particular pattern like a lattice structure or anything; they appear at random. In the background behind the lines, there’s a constant crackling and softly glowing yellow, almost like popcorn. It doesn’t taste like anything in particular; just a very bland spice at times. Next is Explosions in the Sky.

Explosions in the Sky is very red to me, often a deep scarlet and liquid-y. It’s very brightly glowing at times and very smooth as a texture. My favorite song of theirs is First Breath After Coma. There’s no real taste to me; the sensations of this band wash over me like waves, too. It’s very flowing, almost like a Tai Chi of music. Mogwai, on the other hand, is on the opposite end of this.

Mogwai is very rough and green to me. It’s very solid in the shapes it creates, and rather than it washing over me, it’s like I have to come over to it to observe it. My favorite song of theirs is Sine Wave. There isn’t any particular taste to their music, either (again, words trigger my tastes more than music does). I do see highly defined patterns on the surface of the shapes. For example, Sine Wave is rough and scaly, kind of like a pineapple mixed with an iguana.

Lastly, on to Gorillaz. There is no one set sensation I get from this band. They’re so experimental that I get many different sensations from them. My favorite song of theirs is 68 State. Some of their music is very unique to me. For example, their song Every Planet We Reach Is Dead is very purple. No other song has given me purple colors. On top of that, the taste and sensation I get is like standing in fog. It’s not as solid as other bands. On the other hand, their song Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head is very green and wavy. It’s like a solid stream coming at me in the frequency of waves. Their song Empire Ants is very yellow and minimal in the shapes that it makes. It’s more like spots of color being pushed around on a board than actual highly defined shapes.

There’s a lot of other music that gives me strong sensations, like Pink Floyd, Meshuggah, Sun Araw, Mahlor, YES, Stravinsky, Chopin, etc. but again, the ones I listed were the easiest to describe. There are certain instruments that give me certain sensations, too. The most powerful ones come from brass instruments and more powerful sensations come from violins, acoustic & bass guitars, gu-zhengs, and pianos. However, certain things, such as synths, can give me entirely different sensations. This is why I’m not a big fan of electronic music. Most of it irritates me in some way or another. Of course, the ones that do appeal to me are very powerful, such as Sun Araw and Crystal Castles. But for the most part, I dislike electronic music.

I hope this painted an idea of what it's like for me to interpret sensations. If you're a professional looking to perform research on synesthesia, I'm more than happy to help in any way I can, so hit me up.