D&D Stories: Kraken Oasis Extravaganza

You ever have a template for quick and messy games? Ours is an oasis set in the middle of fuck all nowhere with warring towns on each side. In said oasis, resides a kraken. Every time without fail. Time for a highlights reel!

Kraken Oasis 1: The Krakening

Party composition:

Me - Chaotic Neutral Angelic Werebear (don't ask)
Stefan - True Netural Human Ranger
Lee - Lawful Neutral Human Fighter

Game begin

We are in a desert. And I don't mean no Voight-Kampff Test shit, we wake up in the middle of the goddamn desert. Our characters don't know each other, but we kind of make out a town off in the distance way beyond yonder. I pick up Stefan, spread my angel wings, and fly over so we can get a look. Just a wall, I see crappily constructed buildings over it. There are gates, which begin to open. Deciding to set Stefan down, he wants to talk to them. Fair enough. Gates fully open, we are greeted by goblins. Lots of goblins.

Stefan tried to make a Persuasion check, Nat 1. I transform into my Werebear mode and start kicking wholesale ass. The goblins retreat back into their city and Stefan chases them in. I revert to human mode as Lee comes walking up to the carnage. Lee and I want in so we can help Stefan.

This time we both attempt Performance checks, we perform Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz. I rolled for 2-D's parts (which I did rather well) and Lee rolled for Del the Funkee Homosapien's parts (which he got crap roll). The goblins were marginally impressed, but denied us entrance so Lee planted his sword in their skulls.

After an uneventful slog into the King Goblin's chambers, we see Stefan fighting a bunch of pest creatures. Lee jumps in, Stefan and I go after the King Goblin. He opens up a spike trap, I simply spread my angel wings and fly out. Stefan takes a spike right up the poop chute, where he writhes in pain for a moment while I knock the King Goblin's shit around.

After K.O.'ing the King Goblin, killing his ENTIRE town, and looting his storages, we decide to investigate the oasis. Lee hunkers down making a shelter while Stefan uses his Ranger sense to do Ranger things, or as best as he could with a Goblin prolapse. I wade directly into the oasis, piss in the water, then dive down to see what's in there. I detect the Kraken, do a 180, and haul ass away.

I break the surface, then wade out of the water and start running. Lee and Stefan ask me what's wrong, to which I just scream and continue to run towards the next closest town. They decide to follow me, I carry Stefan due to his difficulties running. We make it to the town without a hitch and there happens to be a harem going down.

We all make haste into the harem, in a bath house in the back we find mystical Fey fruit, of which we all take a bite. Stefan and I both manage to roll a random polymorph, he turns into an Androsphynx and I turn into an Ochre Jelly. It's clear to see who got the better deal. Lee morphs into a vampire, to which he immediately runs off through the town vampirizing all the women and children only.

Stefan flies towards the Kraken looking for a fight but realizes he speaks Primordial. He attempts to convince the Kraken to work for him which went as well as you thought it would. He found himself 1v1'ing a Kraken until Lee arrived with his army of women and children. He sics them on the Kraken as Stefan attacks from above.

At this exact time, the King Goblin wakes up and heads to the roof of his kingdom where he sees this giant cloud of clusterfuck. He mans the Gnomish cannon and shoots several volleys into the fray.

I eventually mutate back into me, fly over, and pick up the King Goblin. I drop him into the Kraken's gaping maw and he is done for. At this moment, Stefan mutates back into himself while in mid air. Fortunately, he is able to leapfrog off the King Goblin into my arms. I carry him out as Lee's vampires deal the final blow. Stefan takes off towards the nearest town while Lee's vampires gorge themselves on Kraken blood. We then head into that last town.

Stefan arrives first, Lee second, me last. Stefan decides to rally the militia to prevent the vampire legion. Of course, nobody believes his ass so he decides to break into the armory. Lee arrives, does his thing, followed by me. I immediately recognize Lee's work, so I buy out the garlic from all the merchants and sell garlic necklaces to the townsfolk for 100gp a pop. (I told you I'm a Jew.)

Stefan attempts to quell thevampire battalion himself and gets his ass beat. He then goes and tells the authorities who think he did this to himself so they ignore him. He's forced to bribe the corrupt ones to come down with him since nobody else will.

Upon witnessing this cluster fuck, they freak out and get the king involved while Lee sends his legion into a bar to swell his ranks further. I, a neutral party, refuse to take sides instead selling the garlic necklaces for a higher price due to the high demand of the guards for it. (I told you I'm a Jew.) Stefan got a discount on his garlic necklace.

The king arrives, who has his own mystical fey fruit because he received it as a peace offering. Upon seeing this, Stefan turns on him and beats him, grabbing the fruit for himself. I snag 2, run into the tavern and hand one to Lee. We all take a bite, which sends our asses hurtling through different planes of existence.

I wind up on the Elemental Plane of Air, where I build an army of Aarakocra. Lee winds up in Limbo where he aligns himself with the Githzerai, only to vampirize all of them and amass interdimensional legions. Stefan winds up in Hades where he is transformed into a fucking Larva. He eats another fruit which causes him to blink in and out between planes, thus becoming a transdimensional space maggot.

At this point Stefan promptly rage quit so we no longer had a game.

Kraken Oasis 2: Commander Shepalopod

Party composition

Me - Chaotic Neutral Krogan (my character flaw was "is sexually attracted to crystals")
Marc - Lawful Evil Krogan (literally first time playing D&D so he wanted something he knew which was Mass Effect)
Patryk - Commander Shepard (too stoned to play for the most part)

Game begin

Marc and I wake up in a desert next to an Oasis with an almost complete tank. I decide to investigate the nearby caves while Marc climbs into the tank. I come across a cave FILLED with diamond like crystals. Marc discovered insurgents in the tank. Tearing myself away from the harem, I run towards the sounds of Marc's gunfire.

He had it handled, using his AK to mow down the insurgents and a hand grenade to finish the job. The grenade blows inside the oasis though, which disturbs the Kraken inside. I had a B.S. Tank Cannon in my load out, so I crank that thing onto to the tank and Marc floors it. I take pot shots at the Kraken while we drive towards the city a couple miles in the distance.

As we near the town, I decide to shoot a distress flare at them. I roll for it and Nat 1. My flare lights the city on fire. As a direct result, when we pull up the militia is waiting for us guns drawn.

Me: "Now Marc, I have the high Charisma stat and I have a plan. So whatever happens, leave the talking to me."
Marc: "Okay."
Me: I get out of the tank and approach the chief hands up,
DM: Chief says "Why did you set us on fire?"
Me: "Well you see the guy driving the tank? Yeah he forced me to do it all at gunpoint so take that problem up with him."
Marc: "You bastard!"
Me: "Well you never should have trusted me, I'm Chaotic Neutral."

After a long line of bullshit, it ends up with Marc leading a squad of criminals to serve heroically as canon fodder while I am in the town canon with Patryk holding a pistol to my head giving me direct orders to shoot the Kraken. However, they never said I had to kill the Kraken, they only said I had to shoot the Kraken. So I fired one shot, got out and left.

I jack a town jeep, drive out around the Kraken while Marc and the miltia engage it. The Kraken stops and tries to parlay with Marc, unexpectedly.

Kraken: "Why have you attacked me?"
Marc: "I FUCKED YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT!!"
Kraken: "...Which one?"
Marc: "ALL OF THEM."

The resulting fight ends up with Marc and 3 survivors. I pull up behind the Kraken as Marc deals the killing blow, causing it to shit a crystal 30ft long and 10ft high.

Holy mother of god, did those criminals have to make sanity checks witnessing the things I did to that crystal. Marc was at this point way too stoned to continue so we broke it off.

Kraken Oasis 3: Dwarf Wharf

Party Composition

Me - Chaotic Good Forest Gnome Ranger/Arcane Trickster

Max - True Neutral Dwarf Paladin

Ben - High Elf Warlock

Game begin

We wake up in a desert, seeing a huge herd of camels nearby. I domesticate them, Max and I mount them, the elf hovers Zenyatta style. We fight a Black Pudding, an Oni, and a Death Slaad for no reason before arriving at some Treants. They tell us we got a Kraken problem (and by "we" of course they mean us).

We walk off into some dark ass caves, but we're all rocking darkvision so it don't bother us none. We come to a river, Max uses his shield to make an improvised boat, then grabs me and starts paddling with my Gnome. Ben makes an Acrobatics check and lands on Max's shoulders.

DM: "What do you do?"

Me: "I case Light on the underside of the boat to give it a hot magenta underglow."

DM: "Wait, wait wait... You're being used as a paddle and your first response is to put the D&D equivalent of spic neon on the underside of the boat?"
Me: "Yes, definitely."

Max: "I'm okay with it."

As this tower of clusterfuck sails down the river, we eventually come upon an Aboleth. Max picks my Gnome up and hammer throws me at the Aboleth. I Misty Step back onto his shoulders where he ping pongs be off his shield back at the Aboleth. Eventually, he just collapses the Aboleth on top of me, killing us both.

Max then realizes the docks are made by Duergar, so he quickly establishes that he's in charge and commands a decent business in the wharf area while I roll up another character.

We hit the Kraken with my new Half-Orc Ranger, Max shakes his dick at the Kraken then throws barrels of gunpowder at the Kraken. Ben slings a fireball and blows up the Kraken, but it still lives. I have a magic lamp to which I wish the Kraken has taste buds in its asshole. This promptly neutralizes the Kraken and everyone goes about their merry way.

My Top Games of 2016

Here is a subjective list where the awards don't matter, I recommend these games from 2016

Now the time year is over, we take a look back on some of the best bang for you buck of 2016. Without further ado, my recommended games of 2016:

DOOM

This comes as NO surprise for my first recommended game of 2016. This was perhaps the most pleasant surprise of 2016, a year full of games that were pleasantly surprising.

I have been heavily disappointed in old school FPS game reboots lately. The Turok reboot was garbage. The Duke Nukem reboot was garbage. The Wolfenstein reboot was garbage. I was almost certain the DOOM reboot was going to go the same way, especially with id Software's previous mistakes like RAGE. I'm glad to have been proven wrong in the best way possible.

Starting with the undeniable charisma of Shawn, otherwise known as the Doomslayer, we come to the first strength of the game: The visuals. I don't just mean the color palettes of the levels, which used mostly primary colors but used them very well. No, I'm talking the visual comedy. This is something that has been almost exclusive to movies, needing to see the punchline of a gag. Something like Edgar Wright where the overly bright ridiculous glare off a kid's braces in a pub cue us in that he might be underage. We have the similar style of over the top comedy in DOOM. Another aspect is: many video game protagonists get bogged down in gritty realism and being your generic, grim, super serious all the time soldier-man-asshole (like Wolfenstein The New Order). Seeing a game shamelessly embrace gleeful violence has been so refreshing to see.

Some people complained a lot about the overused yellow filter. I liked it quite a bit, since all the enemies are primary colors it helps distinguish them from the background easily.

Secondly, we have the Glory Kills. I was worried this was going to be some gimmick mechanic but it was without a doubt the meat of the game. Something that bogs down many FPS shooters is 2 horridly overdone mechanics: 1) The Wolverine-esque health regeneration. Are you injured? Then stand still for a few seconds. This takes away the challenge and throws off the pacing of the game. With Glory Kills, you get health back. This encourages players to try new things and reward them for their risks. It's also satisfying as hell to see a demon being beat to death with its own arms. 2) "Stealth". Many FPS games have "stealth" mechanics, which is waiting in Point A until badguy walks his predetermined route then move to Point B. Rinse and repeat. This also throws off the pacing of the game and takes away from the skill. (Both of these are also heavy in Wolfenstein The New Order.) DOOM throws that out the window entirely, you have one goal as the Doomslayer and that is to slay the doom. No tricks, no gimmicks, just shanking pink demons with their own teeth.

Lastly, we have the lore. People who know me know I love me some occult lore. There is a lot behind the hierarchy of Hell and the demons' motives in the game. Shawn is pissed off and wholly unconcerned with it, but if you want to take the time to look for it you can. There's some really intricate background stories, as well as the files of how much Hell shits itself when confronted by the mighty Doomslayer.

Final Verdict: DOOM is a much needed refreshment to FPS games. It was a joyful little present wrapped in intestines and ribbons with a killer djent soundtrack to boot.

Stellaris

If you're like me, you love the expansive sci-fi universes but any attempt to get into a game has been bogged down by more rules than an edition of AD&D and a focus almost primarily on strategy instead of exploration.

Stellaris strips down its mechanics to focus on exploration and diplomacy. The game is very approachable and almost has a Star Trek vibe to it. This has been the answer to my prayers for so long.

With rich, meaty content of things like intervening in a civil war or helping a budding civilization achieve space travel, the game guarantees much returning. You can tweak government, economics, religion, war tactics, and more of planets and watch as it unfolds on a galactic scale. Also, here is a video of tips for newbies to help you get off to a smooth start: YouTube Video.

Final Verdict: This is meant for Explorer and Social archetypes of Bartle's Taxonomy. Complex enough to be engaging without being daunting. This is the game I wanted No Man's Sky to be.

Overwatch

This is one that will probably be on many lists, as it has achieved cult classic status before it even released (which is a testament to how good this game is).

Boasting a diverse array of color palettes and intricate formulas based in asymmetry, Overwatch is Blizzard's newest baby. While not without some flaws that certainly need addressing, the game's strengths outweigh the weaknesses. The biggest strength being the diverse cast of characters. Rather than explain, let me give you an example.

Here's how most games do soldiers:

Literally just google "video game soldiers"

Here's how Overwatch does a soldier:

Ain't nothing like that out there, huh? All of Blizzard's heroes are instantly recognizable. We have a bionic gorilla, a blue spider girl, Anubis with a jetpack, and more diversely colorful characters with their own unique skillset. It has captured the imagination of players from the cosplays to the fanart to the porn. Oh god, there's so much porn for Overwatch and it is GLORIOUS. Blizzard may be conflicted but they should feel proud they managed to capture so many different imaginations.

The game also is very familiar. If you played any number of Counter Strike games or Team Fortress 2, this game will feel very familiar. Indeed, it's simple while also being intricate (just like the previously mentioned Stellaris). New players won't feel intimidated and veterans will appreciate what it has to offer.

Final Verdict: This game brought me back to the old days like Unreal Tournament and Wolfenstein Enemy Territory. That same spirit is alive and well in Overwatch, a game with intricacy and charisma.

Titanfall 2

You know what irks me? When people put their blood, sweat, and tears into a genuinely good game only for it to be ruined by some dumbfuck suit who doesn't know how to market. This is the case for Titanfall 2, though there were many other examples this year such as Battleborne.

Titanfall 2 is, like DOOM, a very pleasant surprise. The campaign isn't super gritty, but rather colorful and full of sci-fi elements. Similarly, the multiplayer took what was good about Call of Duty games and expanded on it into a balanced yet competitive mode. While the main characters weren't as charismatic as the Doomslayer, the campaign certainly isn't worth overlooking. The campaign reminded me much of HALO ODST, in fact.

As far as raw sequels goes, this also does a good job expanding on what originally made the 1st one good. There's more room to chain together combos, more risk/reward, and more polished gameplay than the first. The whole thing feels very smooth and the multiplayer isn't a huge diversion from the campaign, you can play one and be adequately prepared for the other.

Had this game been given time to breathe, I'm sure it would have gotten the attention it deserved. Instead, some dipshit decided to release this in between Battlefield and Call of Duty "with the ridiculous idea that gamers are all made of money" to quote Bitscreed.

Final Verdict: A solid sci-fi game brimming with personality that unfortunately didn't get its day.

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Light Drifter initially caught my eye due to the visuals and environments like the one seen above. Upon playing the game I was treated to an experience not unlike Dark Souls, where you're thrust into an immersive world rich in environmental storytelling. The training wheels are taken off and you're allowed to go at your own pace, but it's not a cake walk either.

With top down strategy gameplay adding to the retro aesthetic of the game, Hyper Light Drifter plays to all the strengths of visual storytelling. No words need be uttered, as we can explore at our own pace and see it for ourselves.

What you need to do in the game isn't always immediately obvious, there is very little linearity and you can go in just about any order you so desire. The game is all about exploring your environment to glean as much information as you can. It many ways, it reminded me of Transistor where you're thrust into the world and left to figure things out for yourself.

The combat in the game is simple, not as up to the standards of Transistor but Transistor is a game that requires your constant attention. Hyper Light Drifter is very much a "go your own pace" game, which adds to the immersion behind it.

Yes, you can cut rockets in half with your sword.

Final Verdict: A game that on the surface is fun and as you delve into it has deep lore, hearkening back to ancient Heathen roots in a way.

Inside

On the topic of visual storytelling, let's talk about motherfucking Inside.

This is the sophomore game of the people who gave us LIMBO, that 2011 monochromatic gem that had themes reminiscent of Blade Runner and Lovecraftian horror. A studio who's mantra is very much "show, not tell" delivered another minimalistic masterpiece in the form of Inside.

I don't want to give away much at all, this game is best gone into completely blind. It makes you think, it makes you look for new ways to approach things, and holy hell does the ending stay with you.

You'll definitely see the Lovecraftian elements in Inside, though it shies away from the nightcrawling Blade Runner bits of LIMBO in favor for something far darker.

Final Verdict: A thought provoking game with sinister puzzles and symbolism that will stay with you.

Dark Souls III

Since we're talking about broken worlds with only the faintest traces of humanity, as well as complete immersion into your environment, let's take a look at the last installment of a badass trilogy.

Dark Souls has gained notoriety for its exceptionally difficult gameplay, but it's more than just rage inducing I Want To Be The Game type YouTube bait. There is a lot of substance to the game, in fact it's similar to martial arts, a comparison I heard that's very accurate. It emphasizes patience and indomitable spirit. You assess everything with great calm and caution. When you are able to master the art of patience, you come out changed as you have overcome a massive obstacle.

An often overlooked element in visuals (movies, games, tv shows) is the location as a character. The Dark Souls series embraces this element to its fullest- you can't breeze through any environment. You are tempted to bask in the ambiance, feeling the dread creep up on you as you know the longer you stay in this accursed place the likelier your demise is. And yet, the environment has a story to tell you everywhere you go.

This isn't a game that will immediately click for many. You need to give it time, but if you can find what the game has to offer you'll understand why it's a monument to perseverance. And I say that as someone who's played most of the game piss drunk and shouting at the snowflakes for falling from the sky.

Final Verdict: This is a conclusion to a trilogy that is well worth the trek. It's all about teaching you the importance of analyzing and patience through the power of failure.

Witcher 3: Blood & Wine

I said in another post that The Witcher 3 is the most important game to come out recently as it sets a standard for storytelling in games. Indeed, I was tickled to hear Blood & Wine was a true expansion. I don't mean it as in insult to include this on the list, far from it. This can stand on its on two feet.

While not adding as much to the overall story as Hearts of Stone, Blood & Wine still does a fantastic job expanding on what makes the Witcher good. It won't change your mind if you didn't like the Witcher (no mystery there, expansion packs y'know... expand on a game not change it entirely). Still, it provides closure for certain characters while giving new ones time to breathe. That's not an easy thing to do when you move an already established story to a new setting.

As the title implies, Blood & Wine is all about Italians and vampires. CD Projekt Red certainly nailed the traditionalist tendencies of Italy and Sicily, which helps flesh out NPC interaction and the political drama of the world. It's a nice, meaty story and stays true to the Raymond Chandler elements that makes the game so engaging. It feels bigger than other comparable DLCs such as Deus Ex Human Revolution's Missing Link, though. It's clear that lots of love was poured into this, just like Hearts of Stone and the vanilla game.

Final Verdict: CD Projekt Red gave time for their ideas to gestate and delivered something crafted with love. This is a shining example of what DLC should be in a game.

EDIT

I forgot that Darkest Dungeon came out in 2016, as it was but 2 weeks into January when it came out. Rectifying this immediately!

Darkest Dungeon

When I was initially shown this game, I passed it over as I was given a misinterpretation of it. (That it was ad&d made into a video game.) It wasn't until a friend pressured me to play it that I discovered the intricacy of this game. It isn't D&D at all, it takes the combat formation often seen in D&D and expands on it.

In a video game, with instantaneous feedback, the formation of combat can be felt a lot more then pen and paper. Darkest Dungeon uses this to create the center of its combat, indeed it is deceptively difficult. While the combat formation is the meat and potatoes of this title, there is a lot more to it as well. The combat requires your full attention as it incorporates a lot of different tactics but you'll find the room it gives you to breathe woven in quite well. I actually like how you only have room to breathe back in town, it gives the civilization the touch it needed to truly feel like, well... a civilization.

While Dark Souls often steals the show when it comes to environment storytelling (obviously, the game title is now used to define a sub-genre), when it comes to subtle, creeping horror Darkest Dungeons shines true. This is indeed a truly Lovecraftian horror. The pacing is absolutely perfect, it's is just the right type of slow and insidious. It also focuses a lot on self destructive behavior, much like Lovecraft did. Also, the fantastic narrator Wayne June does Lovecraft books on Audible which may be why he was chosen for the game.

Much like Inside, this is all about creeping your way through a dark and eerie world. Also like Inside, this experience will stay with you. I first played this game at a noisy party full of distractions and I was mildly intoxicated. I still remember clearly using my crusader and highway man to knock through enemy ranks.

Final Verdict: If you are a fan of strategy in any way, you're doing yourself a disservice if you haven't played this. A Lovecraft fan will truly appreciate the fine craft of this game's setting, too.